Bido Lito!

THE GLASS PASTY consults the stars...

“Hold the gland and peer through my glass crystals... wonderment abounds…”

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21
The moon is riding bare back with you this month Scorpion, the gulf is widening and only a hero can bridge it. Be the mountain, ‘tis your time.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21
“Can I cadge some baccy please?” “You couldn’t lend us a fiver could you?” “It’s not my fault that there’s a widening gulf between rich and poor.” It’s always the same with you Sgt. Tory Us. I don’t know why I bother! 

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19
Hold me Capricorn but not too close, I don’t know where you’ve been. Up with the crack of a sparrow’s fart and home with the click-clack of a whore’s stiletto. Mysterious or Unhygienic? You decide.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18
Through the disappearing possibilities of day and the impending lonesome prison that is night, you are there Aquarian, quivering in the breeze like Damocles on a Washing Machine. Weave and endure.

PISCES FEB 19 – MARCH 20
“Face of a girl, soul of a bastard, mind of an ape, heart of a weirdo, Brave star” All’s well my slivery friend, keep ducking and diving bra. Go figure.

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19
You have a tough and smelly hide and a rather spiky disposition Argyle. Did you try those breathing exercises? Gaze upwards in all heavenly matters and look down when the opportunity arises. Now get warmed up, you’re going on.

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20
Taurus! You got mail! I am a small to middling male aged between 20 and 45 years of age in grave and present danger, please send in excess of $4000 to the account listed below. Alternatively send me your sort code and mother’s maiden name in the blog comments section below. God Bless/ Shalom.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20
Don’t dance to the beat of the mindless oaf my graceful friend; it may not be your moon’s turn to shine but you are still glistening as always. Glide and dazzle your way through the winter and best of luck old chap! 

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22
Put on your goggles, wrap your scarf gaily around your thick neck and start the engines Cancer. I will slide into my surgical gown. “Nurse? The knife please.” Now this may hurt a little. Brace.

LEO JULY 23 – AUG 22
Other soothsayers and stargazers may liken you to the Lion my lovely little Belgian King but I will always see you as Mick Johnson’s progeny. Rolling out the dough and preparing delicious toppings in Daddy’s pizza parlour whilst fantasising about the girl next door. Roar!

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22
I was cold, I was naked: were you there, were you there? Yes you were Virgo, filming it with a camera phone and then uploading it on the World Wide Web. Turn on your spam filter and get out of my sight. 

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22
Marshal Law has been declared in your love life and there has been a hung parliament in all matters purse. The pull of the earth is weighing you down, put your stack of books to one side my weary elf and do take off that gown.

“That’s why they call me Mr Zodiac”